Rebecca Black Friday (A Prelude to Thanksgiving, Y’all!)

None of the seats. Get in the trunk!

We all know what happened to Rebecca Black after “Friday” made the rounds on YouTube…actually, I have no clue what happened to her but I can only imagine in college she’ll be as popular as Pete from The Adventures of Pete & Pete – Everyone wanted to get blazed with that guy. Seriously, we have friends that went to college with the younger Pete (Danny Tamberelli) and have heard stories…I mean, he went to Hampshire College where you can major in “The Art of 5-foot Bongs” if that’s what you wanted to do. I digress…

Danny Tamberelli - Little Pete

Little Pete will smoke you under the table, son. He will also eat the table if you give him 10 bucks.

How discovered did Rebecca Black get? 167 million views on Youtube discovered. The folks responsible for that video (and many others) – Ark Music Factory.

Let’s forget about Rebecca Black for a second…trust me, it’s very easy to do. Imagine being the folks responsible for uploading a music video seen more than the likes of Keyboard Cat, Double Rainbow Guy, and David After Dentist. Now imagine yourself on an insane amount of angel-dust for the first-time…It’s a high you can never achieve ever again even if you tried, unless you’re Ark Music Factory!

 Meet Nicole Westbrook.

Nicole Westbrook

Nicole Westbrook & Her Meat Microphone.

Much like whats-her-name, she’s young, she’s exciting, and she’s got parents with deep pockets who simply aren’t afraid to give into her demands of starring in her own music video, only to be tossed around like fresh meat in prison via the grand ol’ internet. For Ark Music Factory, Nicole Westbrook has it all; She’s not jaw-dropping in the looks department, she can’t really carry a tune, and she takes direction well without putting any judgement or thought as to how ridiculous she may appear in the end.

Now, ask Nicole Westbrook what her all-time favorite holiday of the year is and she’d probably say Christmas, but honestly nobody cares what Nicole thinks, so Nicole got a song all about Thanksgiving. I’ll give it to Ark Music Factory, when they want to write a song about one specific thing they really drive the message home. In this case it’s all about Thanksgiving and nothing else comes even close.

Here’s the video poised to put Nicole Westbrook’s name high-up in Google search:

Let’s set it up for you. In this video it’s November 28, 2013 (Proving the Mayans wrong), and Nicole is wide awake in her room and marking down the days until Thanksgiving. She wants to take a moment to thank you, twice. Cut back to last December with her awkward, fugly tween companions celebrating Christmas, then New Years, then Easter, then Independence Day, completely skipping over Halloween (and the outrageous omission of Canadian Thanksgiving – the nerve!) and getting right back to Turkey Day – We, we, we are right there with Nicole. There when she’s making Stove Top Stuffing (because homegirl ain’t allowed near anything sharp), checking on the bird, inspecting the mashed potatoes in an unsanitary manner, and there when she’s MIXING the already prepared Kraft Mac’n’Cheese. Apparently that’s all the food Ark Music Factory approves of when it comes to holiday cuisine because later on in the video we discover that cranberry sauce gets a big thumbs down; Cranberry sauce is the shit.

No matter what you, no matter what you say, this is my favori— AND WAIT A SECOND…All of a sudden appears a handsome black man in the kitchen, just…singing in the kitchen with the kids and then in every pivotal holiday discussed before. These kids are a bunch of jerks. Admissible age difference aside, the handsome black man who actually can sing goes completely ignored by the youths and he’s even bein’ a sport and manning the grill.

And then one of my favorite moment happens at 2:15 – Nicole opens the door to find her friend has come with that Thanksgiving staple – Baby Back Ribs.  Granted it’s been awhile since I brushed up on the nitty-gritty of this holiday’s origins, but I’m quite sure neither the Pilgrims nor Indians were sharing barbecue ribs. The handsome black man shows up soon after the ribs do – that’s racist and funny because the handsome black man is also one of the two main producers of Ark Music Factory. Another thing – Where the hell are the parents? Seriously.

And then at 2:33, Nicole Westbrook shows off her ill raps. Is that you call them?  Moving on…

At 2:59, my other favorite moment –  Turkey leg used as a microphone. Perfect!

Oh, I can hardly wait for the Bad Lip Reading version of this timely video.

nicole meme

My new mantra for this holiday season. Ey!

Thanks Ark Music Factory once again,

&

Thanks, Internet

Hey Sexy Lady

This Halloween post is a bittersweet one.

I had plans to experience a NYC Halloween with a few shows lined up at B.B Kings, The Cakeshop, and The Bellhouse – all of which are presumably still happening despite the fact  NYC looks like they forgot to pay the electric bill this month. It’s a sorry mess in that city right now and I can only imagine I’d be going bat-shit crazy without power or cell-phone coverage, let alone not having the subway to easily get around on two bucks. Kudos to NYC’s perpetually never-ending resiliency and ability to “fuhgeddaboudit” like only you can. And how about Bloomberg’s sign-language lady?? Her faces are a thousand gold coins.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share these two shining examples of what Halloween means to me this year which is clever ways of combining America’s passion for ghosts and pumpkins…and PSY’s global smash hit “Gangnam Style.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a whole bunch of women’s butts to inexplicably yell at – ‘Tis the season!

Thanks, Internet!

Should We Yell About the Weather?

BoltBus informed me moments ago that they’d rather not cart my ass to NYC on Tuesday because of Hurricane (Pecan) Sandy and I’m 100% okay with that call – I hate driving in the rain too.

Safety on the road aside, what I don’t understand when serious inclement weather is in our midst that most folks tend to religiously take the weatherman’s prophecies as cold hard fact.  I recall  countless occasions in my formative years getting my hopes up of school cancellations when the weatherman spoke of significant accumulation only to be dismayed early the next morning with a dusting of snow. I would get all hot & bothered by the promise of 6 to 8 inches one day, and severely disappointed by the actuality of a mere few flakes. Why don’t I have my homework ready?  Blame the harlot on TV who teased me sweetly with snowfall throughout, and ditched me with blue-balls when the school cancellations aired on the local news.

Perhaps I’m not fully-grasping the severity of Hurricane (Pecan) Sandy and should heed all warnings and necessary precautions, but usually when something is over-hyped, I’m the last person to accept it’s actual awesomeness until it has come and gone. Like – Why didn’t anyone beat me over the head with The National’s Boxer or Tame Impala’s Innerspeaker?  Where have all my tastemaker-friends gone?

That’s why we need more people like Accuweather meteorologist, Jim Kosek, delivering the weather like he hates delivering the weather. The difference is even when Jim gets the high’s and low’s wrong, he’s still entertaining as f**k. Jim makes it all peanut butter & jelly-time, all the time.

 

Unfortunately and ironically, Accuweather lost Jim to a television station in Salt Lake City and you know those mormons are known for their sense of humor.

Here’s one more fine display of Jim Kosek’s unique take on the weather:

 

Now, should fresh hell occur during Hurricane (Pecan) Sandy and the power goes out with no available WiFi – I will curl into the fetus position in the corner of my home and will worship in fear all weathermen & weather-ladies as bonafide Nostradami. For now, I’m not scared of a little rain.

I’m now regretting I didn’t stock up on these.

Thanks Jim Kosek!

& Thanks, Internet!

Mountain Dew Does Nothing!!!

Darr Ke Aage Jeet Hai, indeed!

After hearing urban myths that Mountain Dew may significantly lower the male sperm count, I stopped reaching for Mountain Dew in the convenience store coolers. Actually, that’s a lie – I kept drinking it, but this was in my twenties and I was still invincible and didn’t give two damns about ingesting mass quantities of Yellow Dye No. 5. Now, I stay away from caffeinated high-fructose anything as much as possible only for the fact I’m sort of watching calories and afraid of having a heart attack at 34. In any case, I’m glad the legend of Sperm-Killer Dew is erroneously false – I’ve got women to knock up.

Okay, I have one woman to knock up. Sorry, other women who might be reading this blog – My muscle-milk is for another.

Also available in Banana, Milk Chocolate and Vanilla

Muscle-Milk: Truly Protein Enhanced

Barring any unforeseen complications, come next May I will be a father for the first time. World’s Greatest Dad. A person with legal obligations to make sure a significantly younger person that I helped make does not die on my watch. It’s heavy shit, man.

For all intents and purposes I’m not going to turn this blog into my version of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”  I won’t do that simply because I don’t want to berate you with any or all of the under-lying emotions and thought-processes which occur when it’s widely apparent that I got swimmers and my wife’s not afraid to use them!  I’m excited, I’m thrilled, I’m overjoyed at what I’ve helped create.

An eerie glimpse of what the future holds. That kid is 110% adorbs!

Okay, so maybe there will be a smattering of future baby-related posts to come. I promise not to link you to my wife’s many baby-related boards on Pinterest, but I’ll certainly include you in our registry at Target and our Amazon Wish List when the due-date approacheth!

Thanks wife for willfully taking on the gestation process as only I can’t

& Thanks, Internet!

Meowsic for the Masses

Today, an offering from something right out of the history books – The Cat Organ.

Katzenklavier in full effect, y’all!

You might think this to be a joke – but the idea for this musical instrument existed long ago with the premise to amuse and delight audiences who have grown tired of just hearing melody through brass, string, or other popular instruments.  In fact the Cat Organ premise rings all the way back to the 17th century. Even then people were getting bored of the baroque and looking for the next big thing; How far can you really go with functional tonality, am I right?  After all, the word ‘dull’ can be found in dulcimer.

So for a long time, the Cat Organ was simply an imaginative creation that existed just on paper. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought just leaving it with paper & ink was complete bullshit.

As far as we know, there has been only one man brave enough to champion the future of sound – his name is Henry “Cat-atonic” Dagg. I added the nickname part mostly because I think this guy needs something a little flashier. The other one I came up with was Snoop Dagg.

May the sounds of the Cat Organ (provided by The H-Dagg) haunt your dreams.

 

And for contrast, the Mouse Organ.

 

Thanks, Meownternet!