Just when America thought they had themselves a leader for “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow” – The production of taping The Colbert Report was abruptly suspended yesterday sending the ENTIRE NATION in panic. PANIC!! Is Stephen Colbert dead? OMG!! We’re all fucked!
Here’s what I know about the situation:
It’s okay. It really is. Why? Because in the meantime we can always enjoy Colbert in ice cream form. Take no shame in getting “Glooped” (acting like fat kid in a candy factory without adult supervision) for Colbert’s Americone Dream is our salvation. Until production of fresh episodes of truthiness can commence, we must build a deep connection to what Colbert loves more than Colbert himself – Fudge covered bits of waffle cone!
Here comes the truthiness and it doesn’t come in a Fro-Yo version. The people behind the show canceling taping it’s Wednesday and Thursday shows with celebrity guests lined up taboot… Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield of Ben & Jerry’s. What a twist! But it’s true – Ben & Jerry are nothing but a pair of manipulative assholes! Take a shower, you stinkin’ manipulative asshole hippies!!
Ben & Jerry love fucking with the show-biz type. Here’s a topical example of how:
So after roughly 4 years after the introduction of Colbert’s Americone Dream hit the grocery stores and scoop shops, Ben & Jerry got bored sitting on their millions and tried to start some bullshit and started talking with Jimmy Fallon and his people about his own flavor…because people really care about what Jimmy Fallon would want in an ice cream. I know I do – always.
Truly a pawn in all of this (Stephen Colbert included), since both flavors have been in the marketplace, they have been manipulated into starting a 6 month 6 BFF-ship and then brainwashed into starting an on-air feud (also for exactly 6 months) simply to defend their respective ice cream flavor created by Ben & Jerry and their cunning staff of near-do-wells! If you knew someone who would end a friendship over a disagreement of what was better – chocolate or vanilla – you’d chalk them up to being completely off their rocker. No sir. Colbert and Fallon are smarter kids – they truly know better – but yet for some silly reason they continue to battle until March 3rd because they are CLEARLY under mind-control by either or both Mr. Ben Cohen and Mr. Jerry Greenfield. I smell rBGH-free foul play, which coincidentally smells like cow manure!
So if you really want to know what’s going on with The Colbert Report suspension…I think you now know who to ask. That’s right – a pair of baby-boomer hippies that made ICE-CREAM their “job” and became filthy-stinkin’ rich. ICE CREAM??? How in the world did they pull that off? Someone call up the devil and ask for a copy of the signed contract.
I will go on the record saying Ben & Jerry aren’t complete merciless pricks. They did name a flavor after Jerry Garcia after feeling bad about his “diabetic coma” in 1986, and damn it’s a fine combination of Cherry Ice Cream with Cherries & Fudge Flakes.
So thanks, Ben & Jerry, for screwing with America’s Favorite Pastime…