Rebecca Black Friday (A Prelude to Thanksgiving, Y’all!)

None of the seats. Get in the trunk!

We all know what happened to Rebecca Black after “Friday” made the rounds on YouTube…actually, I have no clue what happened to her but I can only imagine in college she’ll be as popular as Pete from The Adventures of Pete & Pete – Everyone wanted to get blazed with that guy. Seriously, we have friends that went to college with the younger Pete (Danny Tamberelli) and have heard stories…I mean, he went to Hampshire College where you can major in “The Art of 5-foot Bongs” if that’s what you wanted to do. I digress…

Danny Tamberelli - Little Pete

Little Pete will smoke you under the table, son. He will also eat the table if you give him 10 bucks.

How discovered did Rebecca Black get? 167 million views on Youtube discovered. The folks responsible for that video (and many others) – Ark Music Factory.

Let’s forget about Rebecca Black for a second…trust me, it’s very easy to do. Imagine being the folks responsible for uploading a music video seen more than the likes of Keyboard Cat, Double Rainbow Guy, and David After Dentist. Now imagine yourself on an insane amount of angel-dust for the first-time…It’s a high you can never achieve ever again even if you tried, unless you’re Ark Music Factory!

 Meet Nicole Westbrook.

Nicole Westbrook

Nicole Westbrook & Her Meat Microphone.

Much like whats-her-name, she’s young, she’s exciting, and she’s got parents with deep pockets who simply aren’t afraid to give into her demands of starring in her own music video, only to be tossed around like fresh meat in prison via the grand ol’ internet. For Ark Music Factory, Nicole Westbrook has it all; She’s not jaw-dropping in the looks department, she can’t really carry a tune, and she takes direction well without putting any judgement or thought as to how ridiculous she may appear in the end.

Now, ask Nicole Westbrook what her all-time favorite holiday of the year is and she’d probably say Christmas, but honestly nobody cares what Nicole thinks, so Nicole got a song all about Thanksgiving. I’ll give it to Ark Music Factory, when they want to write a song about one specific thing they really drive the message home. In this case it’s all about Thanksgiving and nothing else comes even close.

Here’s the video poised to put Nicole Westbrook’s name high-up in Google search:

Let’s set it up for you. In this video it’s November 28, 2013 (Proving the Mayans wrong), and Nicole is wide awake in her room and marking down the days until Thanksgiving. She wants to take a moment to thank you, twice. Cut back to last December with her awkward, fugly tween companions celebrating Christmas, then New Years, then Easter, then Independence Day, completely skipping over Halloween (and the outrageous omission of Canadian Thanksgiving – the nerve!) and getting right back to Turkey Day – We, we, we are right there with Nicole. There when she’s making Stove Top Stuffing (because homegirl ain’t allowed near anything sharp), checking on the bird, inspecting the mashed potatoes in an unsanitary manner, and there when she’s MIXING the already prepared Kraft Mac’n’Cheese. Apparently that’s all the food Ark Music Factory approves of when it comes to holiday cuisine because later on in the video we discover that cranberry sauce gets a big thumbs down; Cranberry sauce is the shit.

No matter what you, no matter what you say, this is my favori— AND WAIT A SECOND…All of a sudden appears a handsome black man in the kitchen, just…singing in the kitchen with the kids and then in every pivotal holiday discussed before. These kids are a bunch of jerks. Admissible age difference aside, the handsome black man who actually can sing goes completely ignored by the youths and he’s even bein’ a sport and manning the grill.

And then one of my favorite moment happens at 2:15 – Nicole opens the door to find her friend has come with that Thanksgiving staple – Baby Back Ribs.  Granted it’s been awhile since I brushed up on the nitty-gritty of this holiday’s origins, but I’m quite sure neither the Pilgrims nor Indians were sharing barbecue ribs. The handsome black man shows up soon after the ribs do – that’s racist and funny because the handsome black man is also one of the two main producers of Ark Music Factory. Another thing – Where the hell are the parents? Seriously.

And then at 2:33, Nicole Westbrook shows off her ill raps. Is that you call them?  Moving on…

At 2:59, my other favorite moment –  Turkey leg used as a microphone. Perfect!

Oh, I can hardly wait for the Bad Lip Reading version of this timely video.

nicole meme

My new mantra for this holiday season. Ey!

Thanks Ark Music Factory once again,

&

Thanks, Internet

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Hey Sexy Lady

This Halloween post is a bittersweet one.

I had plans to experience a NYC Halloween with a few shows lined up at B.B Kings, The Cakeshop, and The Bellhouse – all of which are presumably still happening despite the fact  NYC looks like they forgot to pay the electric bill this month. It’s a sorry mess in that city right now and I can only imagine I’d be going bat-shit crazy without power or cell-phone coverage, let alone not having the subway to easily get around on two bucks. Kudos to NYC’s perpetually never-ending resiliency and ability to “fuhgeddaboudit” like only you can. And how about Bloomberg’s sign-language lady?? Her faces are a thousand gold coins.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share these two shining examples of what Halloween means to me this year which is clever ways of combining America’s passion for ghosts and pumpkins…and PSY’s global smash hit “Gangnam Style.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a whole bunch of women’s butts to inexplicably yell at – ‘Tis the season!

Thanks, Internet!

Meowsic for the Masses

Today, an offering from something right out of the history books – The Cat Organ.

Katzenklavier in full effect, y’all!

You might think this to be a joke – but the idea for this musical instrument existed long ago with the premise to amuse and delight audiences who have grown tired of just hearing melody through brass, string, or other popular instruments.  In fact the Cat Organ premise rings all the way back to the 17th century. Even then people were getting bored of the baroque and looking for the next big thing; How far can you really go with functional tonality, am I right?  After all, the word ‘dull’ can be found in dulcimer.

So for a long time, the Cat Organ was simply an imaginative creation that existed just on paper. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought just leaving it with paper & ink was complete bullshit.

As far as we know, there has been only one man brave enough to champion the future of sound – his name is Henry “Cat-atonic” Dagg. I added the nickname part mostly because I think this guy needs something a little flashier. The other one I came up with was Snoop Dagg.

May the sounds of the Cat Organ (provided by The H-Dagg) haunt your dreams.

 

And for contrast, the Mouse Organ.

 

Thanks, Meownternet!

Because the Sofa Bears Don’t Know

It’s been almost 7 months since I’ve thanked the internet for anything. Whuck, right? (That’s portamanteau action in your respective faces for “What the fuck.”)

What was so damn important that I couldn’t bother to open up another tab and paste some interesting meme that struck a fancy, or perhaps offered my thoughts on the triumphantly accurate bio-pic – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

Nothing. No good reason. No excuses. For 7 months I selfishly took the internet for everything it had like some magic cow with infinite capabilities to give me all the sweet white nectar it can only provide. Now, quickly forget what I just said because that was a poorly phrased analogy and I’m not even a big fan of milk.

What I’m trying to say is the last 7 months can and shall be recalled in vivid detail with full color photos where applicable. Full color photos like this one:

In Case You Didn't Feel Like Showing Up

Politics have no place in my blog, but this clever collage definitely does.

Ain’t that Amurrrca!

Thanks, Internet.

2 Great Flavors Meant to be Together – Celebrities & Bread.

Dearest Internet,

You’ve given me so much to be thankful for these past few weeks that I have neglected this blog o’ mine, and soon we will be together again. Learning, sharing, revealing – it’s all going to happen and it will feel so natural, so right.

Until we can start seeing each other on a regular basis, I hope this provides you much happiness.

You must try the SevenGrain Snape - It's Wizardly Delicious!

I cannot wait til we venture onto the Internet Superhighway together again.

Thanks, Internet

Cat-urday

So today I was hoping to offer the blogosphere something with deeper content, but the internet had a better idea.

No words can describe the magic happening in this video. Except here.

May the sounds contained within this clip haunt you in your dreams as they probably will mine.

No really…

Thanks, Internet!