Because the Sofa Bears Don’t Know

It’s been almost 7 months since I’ve thanked the internet for anything. Whuck, right? (That’s portamanteau action in your respective faces for “What the fuck.”)

What was so damn important that I couldn’t bother to open up another tab and paste some interesting meme that struck a fancy, or perhaps offered my thoughts on the triumphantly accurate bio-pic – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

Nothing. No good reason. No excuses. For 7 months I selfishly took the internet for everything it had like some magic cow with infinite capabilities to give me all the sweet white nectar it can only provide. Now, quickly forget what I just said because that was a poorly phrased analogy and I’m not even a big fan of milk.

What I’m trying to say is the last 7 months can and shall be recalled in vivid detail with full color photos where applicable. Full color photos like this one:

In Case You Didn't Feel Like Showing Up

Politics have no place in my blog, but this clever collage definitely does.

Ain’t that Amurrrca!

Thanks, Internet.

2 Great Flavors Meant to be Together – Celebrities & Bread.

Dearest Internet,

You’ve given me so much to be thankful for these past few weeks that I have neglected this blog o’ mine, and soon we will be together again. Learning, sharing, revealing – it’s all going to happen and it will feel so natural, so right.

Until we can start seeing each other on a regular basis, I hope this provides you much happiness.

You must try the SevenGrain Snape - It's Wizardly Delicious!

I cannot wait til we venture onto the Internet Superhighway together again.

Thanks, Internet

Cat-urday

So today I was hoping to offer the blogosphere something with deeper content, but the internet had a better idea.

No words can describe the magic happening in this video. Except here.

May the sounds contained within this clip haunt you in your dreams as they probably will mine.

No really…

Thanks, Internet!

Does Activism Belong In Music?

Happy Leap Day!

To be honest, I couldn’t tell you if this event was an annual occurrence for the fine folks in Louisville, Kentucky but what I can definitely say is myself and Mrs. Thanks Internet are proud to have visited Louisville and even prouder to have marvelous friends that live there year-round.

The line-up for this particular music fest was  just announced this morning and it’s another line-up where I find myself feeling out-of-touch with what the kids are into these days, or attending the shows but just standing there as if they didn’t want to be there in the first place.  You just put down $150 to see and hear shit for the entire weekend,  so move your feet and bob your head. Smiling and high-fives to strangers are 100% optional.

What scares me the most about this festival, consisting of music, art, and activism (Show me what inebriation looks like — Zizz is what..I’M DRUNK, BAHHHHHHH!)  is the fact it’s in July and in the south.  I sweat after getting up to take a pee on a 95 degree day.

Well, you probably looked at the .jpeg first anyways, so here’s the line-up for FORECASTLE –  B.Y.O.Flying Ship Balloon!

Who the F are half these bands? Only one way to find out! DL their music illegally!

When Outside Magazine calls this one of the “Top 15 outdoor festivals in the country” – You better believe it!  That’s all they know!

Thanks another festival we probably can’t really afford to attend despite how much fun we will probably have.

&

Thanks, Internet!

The Band’s Getting Back Together!

The Last Last Waltz?

It’s happening – just not for The Band. Nope, they’re really not getting back together…BUT…Pretty much every other band is ready to cash in for a bit if that’s alright with you!

I don’t have the gumption to say this trend of beloved bands reuniting, especially in the alt-rock/indie scene of the past 25 years, is something that I am against. In fact quite the opposite – whatever has brought the likes of Pavement, Archers of Loaf, Polvo, Guided by Voices and many other soundtrack staples of my teen & college years back to the road is a welcomed gift I’ll take any day.

At the Drive In Reuniting? Well, that's just terrific!

Here are some words to some bands who may benefit from a reality check before picking up their reunion check.

A LETTER TO ANY BAND/ARTIST PLANNING TO REUNITE

It’s no business of mine to say the reason to reunite is purely financial, so I won’t. It’s no business of mine to say it’s rather presumptuous to announce “you’re coming to a city near you”  and only play a handful of hotspots in the U.S and expect your fans to rack up travel expenses, so I won’t. It’s no business of mine to say maybe it’s not such a great idea to perform just “the hits” to play it safe and make ’em all crowd-pleasers, so I won’t. It’s no business of mine to say you have seen better days in the looks department (some age better than others), so I won’t. Except for Iggy Pop. Please put on a fucking tank-top, sir. Starving kids in Africa want to know where they can send their weekly meal.

For just the price of a cup of coffee - You too can feed Iggy Pop!

I will say this: If you’re ready to rock again – you best get in the same mindset of when you were just starting out as a band and give the audience your sweat.  Pretend your sound didn’t influence a generation and act surprised for the loud reception in between tunes. Make believe no one has ever heard of you before even though you know they’ll be collectively be singing louder than you – and they will..and it’ll feel f’n amazing. Let us know you’re alive again.

Now, it’ll really give your fans quite a thrill if you also jump back in the studio and record new material. Don’t half-ass this. Make a full album or don’t bother. Giving your fans one song and that’s it will just give them blue-balls – especially if there’s still magic and you don’t sound like death. You’ve moved on since your last record in ’99 or whatever year you called it quits for reasons X and Y?  Hey, guess what – we’ve all moved on – it took awhile, but now we’re into other shit and your new shit just has to sound good enough. We’re not expecting an unmitigated effort.  Just remember one thing – you sucked at ballads then and you are guaranteed to suck at ballads now.  The last amazing ballad that was penned was Guns’n’Roses’ “November Rain” and it’s sad that G’N’R is a beast that simply refuses to die. Axl Rose – Please die. I digress… You are 100% allowed to write slower songs because you probably don’t have the same chops and musical prowess and most of your retained listening audience now also knows the importance of fiber in their diet.

Hard to believe Axl is 50, huh?

Do not tell us it’s a reunion and it’s just the lead singer. That’s way lame and actually kind of sad that none of the former band members can bear a few weeks of your antics and arrogance or whatever major character flaws you possess that a few prescriptions couldn’t mellow out.  No – you better make sure this reunion tour consists of AT LEAST 75% or more original members.  All original members is ideal but essentially we don’t want to see fill-ins (unless they were in bands more famous than yours) in the place of our beloveds. Chances are we know whether they like chunky or creamy and we also know their parents’ names. We’re weird like that but we want to see how well “Mark” aged.

The SP gang's all here...and by "gang"... well... Billy Corgan everybody!

Finally…

We’ve missed you and maybe you’ve missed us a little too and that’s why you’re back. Or maybe you just missed each other and you don’t mind us watching you get each other off on stage – with your unique brand of music.  Hey whatever’s cool – just don’t play with our emotions.  Okay, we’ve grown up a bit and we know that nothing lasts forever (Hey what a great line for a ballad…oh that’s right…) so if you gotta leave the party make sure you do the polite thing, be a humble guest and say thanks. That’s right. You just have to thank us and all old wounds will be healed just like that. Clearly, even when you left us in the cold (insert month) rain, like a loyal dog we came running to the door when we smelled your old ass(es) had come back and we’ll even pretend to have an orgasm when you scratch behind our ears.  What that means is you can play your reunion show and we’ll show up as we always did, but just remember who licked your peanut-butter covered balls all those years and how great it felt… We’ll do it again if you promise to stick around for awhile. *Lap lap*

Blur - They are still bigger than Radiohead in the U.K. (Nelson "Ha Ha!)

Those are the basics. Deal? Deal!

The only exception to these “guidelines” is if you’re the Beach Boys. I’m pretty sure the only thing these septuagenarians are out to celebrate is their limited mobility. Let them give whatever it is they have left – which let’s face it – really isn’t much but it’s admirable to see them try. So if you’re well past the age of retirement and feel like making a little extra Bingo money – you take your sweet time getting on that stage – just make sure you keep your LifeAlert bracelet on so we don’t have to worry, okay?

Yours in R’N’R forever…Signed

This guy!

So, thanks reuniting bands I’ve seen!

&

Thanks, Internet

Gettin’ Fat Tuesday

When I was 3 I loved to read. I am constantly reminded by my parents of this fact.

The last book I read was back in 2001 when I was living in Burlington, Vermont; the novel was either Tropic of Capricorn by Henry Miller or Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller but it doesn’t really matter since I put it down halfway through and never picked it up again to finish it. It’s actually a decent read from the half I recall reading, but I lost interest in reading it for a silly reason.

After hardly touching books in high school & college (Catcher in the Rye was the exception), I started reading again.  The objective was to just try to keep up with the girl I was dating at the time. She was an English major with quite the vernacular and quick-witted which are always turn-on’s*.  She was running laps around me with her courses of study while I attempted to impress by burning through a few books by Bukowski and Bret Easton Ellis – a few others, but all around relatively easy reads. I can’t recall if she gave a damn, but I was impressed with myself. So when the relationship started to fade, so did my interest in expanding my mind – at least with books. I partied a lot instead. Let’s not get into specifics about that right now.

I really have only myself to blame for losing desire to casually read a book and can partially blame my friends for all the partying. Point being that I have the propensity to be a lazy sack of shit sometimes when it comes to keeping sharp wits and an extensive lexicon and staying in shape.

I don’t think I realized this until two weeks after starting this blog, but this is the beginning of getting back on the horse as far as keeping the mind more engaged and I’m already starting to feel the burn there. Reading other blogs (maybe yours?) has also been a new joy. And hellooooo… What’s this that just came in the mail…?

Box of Pain

Oh hello recent purchase from Amazon.com. Are you ready for my butt sweat or what?

Indoor kid = Indoor bike

So yeah. I’m ready to give this an honest effort.

I’m ready to waste the waist.

I’m ready to stop putting on Spanx.

Thanks, Internet!

* – Mrs. Thanks, Internet loves books and also taught a year of English in high-school so I guess you can say I have a type. She also put together the exercise bike. I am a lucky man.

Dubstep

Dubstep – Why?

It sounds like I imagine all music sounding like – 100 years from now. How did we stray so far, so fast?  Or better question – Who is the fucker owning a time machine and decides to go 100 years into the future only to bring us back dubstep??

It truly feels like a government mind-control experiment gone horribly wrong. This is what robots would sound like having a cacophonous seizure.  What’s crazy is that people have learned how to create their own strains of dubstep and it’s spreading too fast to stop it.  Grammy’s are being won for making it and that’s just insane. Where’s Nancy Reagan when we need her?

That’s all I really care to dig into this matter. But before I conclude my thoughts on the relatively new genre of mus– No, I can’t bare to call it such a thing…

Here’s a cat with 3-D Glasses and a mustache glued to its face – on dubstep!

Thanks, Internet!